


A Secret Left Untold Is A Secret You Can't Withhold

by Kumarie5



Category: Sanders Sides, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders - Freeform, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders - Freeform, Deceit Sanders - Freeform, Hurt No Comfort, I hope you cry as much as I did, Logic | Logan Sanders - Freeform, Morality | Patton Sanders - Freeform, Panic Attack, Past Abuse, Past Anxceit, Past Relationship(s), Past Violence, Violence, Virgil Doesn't Get A Hug, Virgil needs a hug, hiss hiss my foot, snek boi needs to gtfo and away from smol anxious gay, suffer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-30 14:03:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13953138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kumarie5/pseuds/Kumarie5
Summary: And suddenly, the room seemed smaller.The whispers, louder.And the darkness?Suffocating.





	A Secret Left Untold Is A Secret You Can't Withhold

**Author's Note:**

  * For [luciferinmyhead](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luciferinmyhead/gifts).



> This was based on a Tumblr prompt from @lucifer-in-my-head. It is about a week late and I feel like the worse person on earth. I tried to make the wait worth it, and again, my most sincere apologies. ;-;
> 
> Prompt: Virgil tries to keep his past with Deceit hidden and it works! Until it doesn't.

All in all, Virgil had been having a pretty good day! He'd gotten for whole hours of rest, he'd had fun baking cookies from scratch with Patton and he'd had an interesting conversation with Logan about strategies that would help him to better cope with his anxiety! He'd never anticipated what a turn the day would take.

* * *

 

The day before was a rough one, that was for sure. Roman was being an absolute NIGHTMARE, I mean, sure! The dude was pretty cute, and he seemed friendly, but that was all the more reason why he probably would have understood that Thomas needed to be somewhere else at that exact time! Thomas could have gotten his number and rescheduled! But, of course, Roman refused to give in and they completely missed the chance to support Joan through something that was very important to them!

So, naturally, when he appeared to explain, Roman rose up as well. They bickered, Thomas broke them up, more nonsense and explanations, Logan rose up, more bickering, Patton talking about... philosophy, and then.... it shifted to the topic of lying.

Virgil immediately threw up walls and made his opinion known. The others didn't listen and eventually they all ended up on a stage in the mind palace. Practicing lying to others. He was (unwillingly) cast as the techie, putting him under even more stress. He just, he wanted it all to stop. Halfway through the 'acts' he sensed that Roman was beginning to feel the same way as him about this.... lying thing.... and Roman seemed to look at Patton for help. Roman wanted out of this situation as well. Patton completely ignored the other side's obvious discomfort and forced everyone to continue. That was what made things click to Virgil.

Patton would never ignore another person's feelings. Ever. That much was obvious, since the only one ever being able to stop him from completely throwing Thomas' own self-need out the window for his friends was Logan, and even that was tough. That couldn't be Patton. Virgil shrunk away from the action to think. 'Patton' never rose up, 'Patton' hadn't made a single dad joke except for one measly attempt, 'Patton' had called him 'friendo' and had yet to call anyone 'kiddo', 'Patton' was on board with lying. Lying.

Virgil's eyes widened and his heart began to race. He peeked out from behind the curtain, glancing at 'Patton' and shuddered at the way he was smiling. He retracted himself and ran a hand through his hair, gripping tightly in a desperate attempt to avoid a panic attack. He succeeded for the moment, convincing himself that, no, it couldn't be. He made small comments, avoiding the spotlight and 'Patton' for the time being. During the entire sippy cup fiasco, his heart was skipping every other beat as he subconsciously slipped back into an... older mindset of his. His defenses flying up faster than you could say 'Les Mis'.

And then finally, FINALLY, he heard someone (Roman?) say something that sounded like 'Curtains'. He quickly took action, forcing everyone back into the real world.

He was almost relieved when everything seemed to be wrapping up, until 'Patton' began to fight FOR the lies. That's when Virgil knew for a fact that it WAS him, and that he couldn't avoid the direction the conversation was going. He almost cried out when the Patton look-a-like turned to him, hoping that Virgil would take his side. His snarky reply may have been uncalled for, but it was the only thing keeping his legs from crumbling under his own weight. Virgil's heart stopped when 'Patton' said "It's me, aren't we friends?", and then it jumped for joy at the recognition that sprinted through Logan and Roman's eyes after his quiet reply to the question.

After that, everything until they arrived back to the mind palace was just a blur. He only understood that Deceit was gone and Patton was back.

\---A Week Later---

He couldn't stop thinking. Reflecting. Remembering. He would have been fine if Logan hadn't approached him earlier, holding a very familiar journal. The look in the logical trait's eyes was more than enough to make Virgil's legs move. He only realized moments later, curled up in the darkest corner of his room, his door locked and access to his room blocked off from the others, did he remember that he could've sunk out. After an hour, the pounding on his door and the attempts to get him to come out of his room stopped. Leaving him alone with his thoughts.  
Sobs racked through his body and all he could think for a good ten minutes was "They know they know they know they know they know-". The harsh voices echoed in his head, telling Virgil that the others hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. He immediately regretted opening his eyes, a flash of yellow entering his vision before quickly disappearing. That was all it took. The flashbacks came rolling in.

* * *

 

_Sobbing. Screaming. Begging._

_Silence._

_“....Don’t even think about trying to escape ever again. They don’t want you. They despise you. You are unwanted and worthless to them. I’m the only one who could ever learn to love you. Don’t even look at that door. Do you understand me?” The rough, angry voice slithered into the silence with a hiss._

_A barely audible, laced with pain whimper, then silence._

**_SLAP_ **

_“I said, **DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!** "_

_“Y-y-yes s-si-sir!” A new voice sobbed._

_“Good. Never forget your place, pretty boy.”_

_The sound of a body hitting the floor with a ‘ **thud** ’ resounded throughout the small, dark room. Footsteps exiting the space, then, the slam of a door._

* * *

 

Virgil’s breath came in whooping gasps, as his hand shakily placed itself where a large and faded scar across his stomach and up to his chest resided. A reminder of what happened behind closed doors that night. They say your brain can’t remember pain, but the agony of the painfully sharp tool that nearly ripped him in half (He’d only survived because the mind repairs any fatal wounds to keep a facet of your personality from dying, although, only to a point where you can survive. Not to where you are completely healed.) was as vivid as the night it occurred. The other bruises, burn marks, and cuts had long since faded from his pale skin.

Virgil wondered what the others would say. If they knew him back then. When he was small and….. vulnerable. He wondered if the beatings would have stopped, or if they’d become even more intense. He was fragile then, practically made of glass. Glass that was being shattered over and over and over again, until it was nothing more than a pile of dust.  
Virgil was quite on edge, but still not ready when the faint scent of lemons slithered it’s way up his nose. Virgil’s heart jumped, making him tremble with fear and nausea, as he was sent spiralling back into another flashback.

* * *

 

_Virgil gasped for air, desperately trying to calm himself. It didn’t help when he heard the familiar sound of boots stomping down the stairs. He quickly shoved himself into the darkest corner in the small room and curled up as tight as he could. When the door flew open it slammed into the wall, yanking a hoarse yelp out of Virgil’s throat. His body was trembling uncontrollably, and he began to hyperventilate._

_He knew what was next._

_The overwhelming scent of lemons completely polluted the air around him and he froze in terror as he felt the vibrations of someone sitting down in front of him. His boyfriend, who he was only allowed to refer to as ‘sir’ was six inches away from him. There was a calm air around him, but Virgil knew that it would change very quickly._

_“ **Anxiety.** ” The fedora-clad man in front of him hissed. Virgil flinched, attempting to shrink deeper into his tattered black t-shirt. However, his efforts to remain Unseen were all in vain. A hand gripped his face, yanking it up with a rough jerk. Virgil let out a small, choked noise, which quickly turned into a squeak when he was smacked._  
_“ **Look at me when I’m talking to you.** ” Deceit said, his voice dripping with rage. Virgil slowly flicked his eyes upward, to meet with the nearly yellow eyes of his boyfriend. Silent tears began falling down his cheeks, as he was forced to hold the man’s gaze for what felt like hours._

_“Not so smart now, are you? Whatever happened to that snarky, rebellious attitude you displayed during dinner?~” The snake in front of him was practically purring with contentment at the submission leaking from Virgil. Virgil did know what he was. Deceit was the snake, and he was the mouse. Forever trying to escape the constriction of the python all around him._  
_When he received no reply, the smirk on Deceit’s face shifted into a scowl. Virgil squeezed his eyes shut and tensed, knowing what was coming next._

_The hand left his face, only for both hands to grip his upper arms and yank him to his feet. Then, his wrist was grabbed, and slammed onto the corner of the table that stood next to the pair._  
_A sickening ‘ **CRACK** ’ filled the air, indicating the breaking of Virgil’s wrist. The said man would have screamed, if he could find his voice. If he could find the air to breath._  
_“ **If you don’t want to talk then I guess I’ll have to make you, huh?** ” Deceit said, phrasing it as more of a statement than a question. “I was never all that good at baseball, **but I guess I’ll give it a go.** ” was left to float in the air, as all physical contact was taken from Virgil. The thin man dared not open his eyes, but almost wished he had a moment later._

_Virgil gasped, as suddenly he was being pummeled with a bat. He quickly covered his head with his arms, but quickly fell as one of his legs was hit out from under him. Virgil rolled over onto his back, everywhere but his head getting hit by the bat at least twice._  
_Many more tools were used. A machete, a lighter, and a steak knife to name a few. By the time the door slammed shut, Virgil was sure he’d broken more than a few bones, at least one rib, and had a few slashes he needed to stitch shut._

_Virgil sat up, his body wailing in pain, and got to work._

* * *

 

Virgil’s breathing exercises were useless at this point. He couldn’t breath. He couldn’t see. He couldn’t think.

_He was alone. He was on his own. He always had been, and he always will be._

Virgil spotted a light out of the corner of his eye and reached over to quickly grasp his IPod with a shaky hand. He put his headphones on, tears pricking his eyes, and chose a favourite song of his by a lesser known band. “Never Going Back” by The Score.

_Shrug us off your shoulders, we don’t do what they told us,_  
_So I, don’t wanna be another face in the crowd,_  
_So I can’t slow it down, no_  
_So I can’t slow it down, no_

_They write us off and say it’s just another opinion,_  
_I’m tired of tryin’ to fit in when I’m one in a million,_  
_So I can’t slow it down, no_  
_No I can’t slow it down, no_

Virgil thought back to the past when his opinions, thoughts, and feelings, were forced to be either locked away, or shot down. Of course, it’s different now. Or, at least he’d like to think so. The others still give him those…. _Looks_ …. at times, but it’s his fault anyway. He’s the giant thundercloud over their tea party. He could share his opinion. Just, not all of it. That would make the other three upset, and Virgil would rather that he suffer instead of them.

_I’m never gonna follow_  
_Just because they say so_  
_I’m never gonna let go, let go_  
_OF THIS HIGH!_

_I’ve already hit the lo-o-o-ow_  
_I’ve already felt the co-o-o-old_  
_So I’m, never giving up, never gonna crack_  
_Never giving in, never going back_

_Already fell belo-o-o-ow_  
_I fell deeper than the sno-o-o-ow_  
_So I’m, never giving up, never gonna crack_  
_Never giving in, never going back_

It was better than still being with him, that’s for sure. He was safe here. He could live his life the way he wanted to here (with some restrictions). He was much happier here than he’d ever been over there. Virgil smiled, knowing he’d never go back to that hellhole. By the time he tuned back into the song, it was already back at the chorus. Virgil didn’t mind.

_I’m never gonna follow_  
_Just because they say so_  
_I’m never gonna let go, let go_  
_THEY WON’T WIN THIS FIGHT!_

_I’ve already hit the lo-o-o-ow_  
_I’ve already felt the co-o-o-old_  
_So I’m, never giving up, never gonna crack_  
_Never giving in, never going back_

_Already fell belo-o-o-ow_  
_I fell deeper than the sno-o-o-ow_  
_So I’m, never giving up, never gonna crack_  
_Never giving in, never going back_

He sang along blissfully, almost completely calm. Then, he was struck by a thought that made his voice falter, until it no longer filled the air around him.

_What if it was all an act?_

They knew Thomas needed him to function properly. They knew if he left Thomas would suffer. What if everything nice they’d ever said to him was a... lie? What if they didn’t care about him at all and they hated him even? It was highly plausible. It wouldn’t be the first time. They just wanted to make sure he wasn’t going anywhere. That he wouldn’t hurt Thomas. They never cared about him. He would always be the outcast.

A knock coming from his door yanked him out of his thoughts.

“Kiddo? You okay in there Virgil? Logan, Roman, and I are worried.” Patton’s soft voice echoed from the other side of his door.  
“I’m fi-” His voice cracked mid-sentence. He cleared his throat. “I’m fine, Patton.”  
“Okay, we’d like to talk to you about your past with Deceit later on. Come out when you’re ready alright, kiddo?”  
Virgil gave no reply and after a solid thirty seconds, Patton left.

That’s what they wanted. To milk him of every bit of information about Deceit that he had. In Virgil’s mind, this request was the only statement he needed to confirm his fears.

 

And suddenly, the room seemed smaller.  
The whispers, louder.  
And the darkness?  
**Suffocating.**

 

_Never giving in_  
_Never going **B A C K**_

**Author's Note:**

> Well I hope ya'll are crying as much as I am. However, all regret has left me. Until next time!


End file.
